A few months ago Debbie was kind enough to post up a blog piece for me about my Son and his mental health issues. How difficult it was, how guilty and alone I often felt. In particular how I yearned for glimpses of my funny, loving sensitive boy.
Things move on as they do, I’m not sure where the turning point came or what shifted really Perhaps its was the conversation at Christmas with me saying “I’m sorry – I cant change it but I hear you and I’m sorry”
I no longer push and badger, my approach now is to greet him in what ever mood he greets me with. If it’s a good day we enjoy our time, sometimes I get rudeness, sometimes he cant cope it’s not like he has cast off Mental illness but I don’t yearn for the boy he was. I am accepting the man he is becoming.
Just recently he has begun to show signs that he may be ready to engage in life, he is a little less angry. Maybe a little less scared, he has begun to lose some weight – I wish he’d contemplate more showers though.
I wondered what had changed things – I try not to look beyond the I’m glad to see it too much. But today was a revelation of sorts.
I can barely hope but there is a little tiny part of me that has noticed a green shoot perhaps. He rang me today, I wont go into details but suffice to say he was a little embarrassed to have to talk to his mum.
It told me a few things slightly bittersweet, but my boy was finally growing into a man and where he would ordinarily talk to his mate or have built up experience of dating his lost years struggling with his MH have left him with an experience gap.
I was touched he rang me, and even more touched he wanted to do things right. Of course as parents all want our children to be ok – but perhaps when they have so obviously struggled we want it more, we take nothing for granted. I cannot of course lay any hope or expectation on the young woman he so wants to impress.
But if I had one wish, its that he might begin to build some shattered confidence, one thing might lead to another and he realises he is more than his label..
I remember so many of you said don’t feel guilty you did the best you can. So today’s little update is simply a thank you – I have tried to reach a place where I accept him for all he is, MH issues and all.